jogging

jogging.
my passion.
my relaxation.
i have been jogging recently until i have pain in my left knee cap.
i could not squat down.
it is painful.
so, i have to take a break so that i can recover to jog even greater distance.

a break is good too.

your loss

when i told my friend that she did not speak to me, and also did not talk to her anymore, her answer really shocked me.
my friend said," her loss!"

my friend knew something about me that i myself was not aware of.
but really her answer surprised me.

i have always think of myself in the first place.
and it was an excellent answer to the latest development.

it is good.

no more heroes

no more heroine's act.
i have learn my things well.
i will have to guard my heart well.
i will have to check the things first before commiting myself.
i have been naive, too.
my mistakes.

love with all your heart, all your mind and all your soul

when i love someone, i love her with all my heart,all my mind,and all my soul.

so, when it comes to breakup, i really broke down.alas.
luckily, i recovered where i have fallen, and never looked back since.
alas.
it has been a blessing and now i have become stronger than ever.
god has given me a second chance and i should treasure it, cherish of the things i have and be contented.
i have made many mistakes and aim too high.
the higher i expect, the harder i fell.

that is life, isn't it.

light

in the dark, when the light of candle that guides me the way diminished,
i have only my own light to show me the path.
in the end, i have to depend on myself, and not others when i was down in the darkest valley.
yes, it will be me alone in the end, and no ones else to pick yourself up where you have fallen.

take care

take care.
ingat ka lagi po.

distance

i do not speak to you no more.
the rumours died down over the past few weeks.
it is good.
i have no choice but to keep our mouth shut.

alas.
now when i met, i no longer speal to you.
my heart aches, but i do not show it in my face.
i know that from that day onwards, i have become total stranger.

life goes on.
i still loves you, i tell myself.
but i know that it will gradually fades away.

love

love still lingers on..

quietness

i will be still.
i will reflect of the things i have done.
alas.
it has been something this year.
but i am glad that i am still alive.
thanks god!

rain

Went for an afternoon jog today.
Rain has stopped and I thought it would just like any other day.
But it continued on, and became heavier and heavier.
Waited at the bus stop for few minutes and decided to jog instead, despite the rain.

It was not that heavier, just a drizzling.
I continued on.


I was thoroughly drenched.
And I pondered: is that what you got for me.
I have jogged even under heavier rain, but today was just teasing us.

i recalled the relationship with her.
it was just a game for her.
she has been playing.

she has so many suitors.(she told me)
and losing one did not hurt her much, but just thrilling to see me in pain, agony and sorrow.
but i did not do that.

i became even stronger.
i have told her she will be the last one, and stressed the importance.
now no more.
i have thought through and got up where i have fallen.
i have come to this world empty-handed and shall leave this world empty-handed as well.
so, it does not matter much, really.
i do not care about her anymore.
i have since move on.


i emptied my mind.
when i saw her again, i wondered why i have fallen for her.
love is blind.

alas.
this is a tiny, tiny thing that do not hurt me anymore.

reverse

i always do things in a direct manner.
now, i have to change.
instead, i will doing things in inverted manner.
the exact opposite.

the opposite thinking: Reverse Psychology.
a strange way of thinking and actions.
it may work or it may not.

it does not matter, really.

instead of loving her, i will do the exact reverse.
i will not love her.
i will do things that excluded her.
i will not speak to her anymore.

so, when i meet a girl whom i like, i will do the same as well.
cheers, and have fun, too.

revive

i shall get up where i have fallen.
it is not easy, but i have to do it.
time wait for no man.
God has been good to me, and i am grateful.
so,i shall get up, move on where i have fallen, hard

dreams

I still love you, but in my dreams only
I love you with all my heart, all my soul and all my might.
Dreams are real.
But in reality, you are not real.

the search is still on

despite of the things that happened recently, my search for the one is still on.
even though i know the chances are slim, i still cling on the hope.
i still have the hope.
even how tiny, how razor-thin it is, i still willingly not given up hopes.

i will spend my entire life to find the one, the special one.
this is one of the things i have to do before i disappeared in this world.
just one of simple wishes.

but i know the more i like to have,the further it becomes.
so, i just relax and follow the flow of nature.

of course, i have to know that the search will ended in nothing.
and i will be greatly disappointed.

but still my hope is on.

alone

i remembered watching the DVD,"the gladiators".
The general was saying," if you found yourself alone..you will be dead"
but i am still much alive.

without her, i am lone.
i know that when i will get old one day, i will be even more alone.
i know.

but this is my destiny.
i cannot see my future, and i hope for the best.
i have been like this all my life.

so, when i broke up with her, it is back to my simple life, yet again.

i am humble person, easy to be contented with what i have.
life goes on, with or without her.
of course, i prefer someone with me when i grows old.
of course, it is better this way.
but in reality, it is easy said than done.

i have to live in a real world, but my spirit is out of this imperfect world.
i tell myself: i have to move on.

life goes on

life is full of circles.
i am back to where i started from.
i assumed that i have found a right one, after years of seraching.
but it turned out otherwise.
nevermind, life goes on.

i am back where i am belong.
things also come back to normal, much to my surprise.

so, i am back where i have begin my journey.
i have fallen, and i got up from where i have fell and move on.

that's me

i will be still

i was stubborn.
i refused to listen to my sister's advise.
in the end, i was hurt, again.
this time, i had encough and decided to end this relationship once and for all.
my heart aches.
yes, i do love her.
i like to have this wonderful love to linger on.
but again and again, she has caused us pain, sorrow and agonies.

i made the mistakes in the beginning and have to bear the responsibilities.

so, i decided not to speak her anymore.
even she asked us anything, i will keep quiet and still.

it is best to avoid her at all cost.

when things come to this abrupt end, it saddens us deeply.
well, we do not like this to happen and we knows it will come one day.
it did.

now we are total strangers.
that is what she like to have when she text message to me on that evening.
we have since changed.

i do not care or bother anymore.

a clean break

oh! yes!
i have madea clean break.
there has been rumours and i told them the truth so that i can let it go and move.
i did, and she was not only unhappy but very angry.
well..love is just a game.
there are winners and losers.
in the end, i have to do what is necessary.

last time, i fought and fought and tired easily.
this time, i let go and let god fight for us.

i felt much better already.

book of eli

Thirty years after an apocalyptic event, Eli (Denzel Washington) travels on foot toward the west coast of the United States. Along the way he demonstrates atypical but effective survival and fighting skills, hunting strange wildlife and swiftly defeating a group of highway bandits who try to ambush him. Searching for a source of water he arrives in a ramshackle town which was built by and is overseen by Carnegie (Gary Oldman). Carnegie dreams of building more towns and hinges these hopes on finding a certain book. His henchmen scour the desolate landscape daily in search of it.

In the local bar, Eli is set upon by a gang of bikers and kills them all. Realizing that Eli is a literate man like himself, as well as desiring his skills, Carnegie asks Eli to stay, though it is made clear that the offer is non-negotiable. After Carnegie's blind concubine Claudia (Jennifer Beals) gives Eli some food and water, Carnegie asks Claudia's daughter Solara (Mila Kunis) to seduce Eli. Eli turns her down, but invites her to eat with him. Before they eat though, he has her pray with him. The following day Solara prays with her mother. Carnegie overhears them though and forces Solara to tell him that Eli was reading a book. When he asks what kind, she says she does not know, but forms a cross with her two fingers. Carnegie realizes that Eli has a copy of the Bible, the book he has been looking for, as all copies were destroyed after the apocalypse. Eli sneaks out of his room and goes to the store across the street where he asked the Engineer (Tom Waits) to recharge his portable battery. Carnegie attempts to stop Eli, having all his henchmen fire at him, but Eli avoids the gunfire and shoots most of Carnegie's henchmen, even shooting Carnegie's leg with a shotgun blast. After Eli leaves, Solara follows and tracks him down, hoping she can accompany him on his travels and escape the town. Eli agrees on the condition that she take him to the town's water supply. After fulfilling her end of the bargain, Eli traps her there and continues on alone. Solara escapes and soon finds herself set upon by two men. As Solara grapples with the men, Eli suddenly appears and dispatches them with arrows. Eli and Solara continue on until they arrive at a strange house. They stop to investigate and quickly fall into a trap door. The residents Martha (Frances de la Tour) and George (Michael Gambon) appear and invite them in for tea. Eli surmises that they trap, kill, and then eat invaders, evidenced by their shaking hands from too much human meat. Before Eli and Solara can leave though, they are found by Carnegie.

Eli, Solara, Martha, and George hole up inside the house, and George reveals a hidden stockpile of powerful weaponry. A shoot-out ensues, leading to the death of some of Carnegie's men as well as George and Martha. Eli and Solara are captured. Carnegie threatens to kill Solara, which prompts Eli to hand over the Bible. Carnegie shoots him in the stomach and leaves. While in transit, Solara escapes and drives back to help Eli. Carnegie returns to the town as he has the Bible and is low on fuel. Solara picks Eli up and they continue west until they reach the Golden Gate Bridge, then they row to Alcatraz where they find a group of survivors dedicated to preserving pre-war knowledge. Eli tells the guard that he has a copy of the King James version of the Bible, and they are allowed in. Inside they are introduced to Lombardi (Malcolm McDowell), who is the curator of a collection of things from before the apocalypse. Eli, now revealed to be blind, dictates the Bible from memory to Lombardi, before dying from his wounds. Carnegie has the Engineer open the Bible but is distraught to find that it is in Braille, and Claudia refuses to read it to him. His leg has started to go septic, and he will die without ever having read the Bible. Alcatraz begins printing copies of the Bible. Solara is offered sanctuary, but instead chooses to take up Eli's weapons and go back east.

Is this the end of the momentOr just a beautiful unfoldingOf a love that will never be

i love you goodbye

I wish I could be the one
The one who can give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I’ll always stay with you
But that's not me

You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, that are something I can't do
I could say that I’ll be all you need
But that could be a lie

I know I’d only HURT you
I know I’d only make you cry
I’ll not the one you're needing

I love you goodbye

I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand I’m only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep inside my heart I know this in the kindest thing to do
You’ll need someone who'll be the one that I could never do
Who’ll give you something better
than the love you'll find with me

leaving someone when you love someone
is the hardest thing to do
when you love someone as much as I love you
I don't wanna leave you
it tears me inside
but I’ll never be the one you're are needing

I love you goodbye

It’s never gonna be

I love you goodbye

time

a month later.
time really can heal the wounds.
i have successfully crossed a month's mark.
it was extremely tough in the first week where i did not have anything to talk.
those days i really up my exercise regime where i did 100 pushups the morning and afternoon. took many long walks round and round the blocks.
just to kill the pain of thinking her.
alas.
now it was already a month old.
my wounds is almost healed and the pain has changed to reminiscing the good times i had with her. those time which i have been her.
alas.
it has been difficult in sharing her with two of her best friends.
difficult.
i have been thinking: it has been like this for years, and i just stepped into her life.
i could not demand things i like to have.
can't.

this is not a normal relationship.
with her decision to choose her indian-muslim friend over us and i have offered better deal than him.
it was the biggest gambling bet i have taken.
i let her go.

and i lost.
whether it is a good things or not, i do not know

what we do in life echoes in eternity.

i lost her and i also gained my freedom.

of course, i still love her.
no matter what has happen,my best wishes to her and her children.
the very best wishes.

decision

Part II

i have asked my good friend about her.

she noticed that she has became even skinny after the breakup.

she had made the decision that it was a "no"for us and she chose over her 3-years indian Muslim friend.

i knew that we have both suffered.

i myself lost 2 kg too.

my friend also noticed that she has been thinking too much lately on her last night and was not her usual self.

i was surprised to hear this and now that we have part, i could not say too much.

my friend also surprised to hear that i will be accepting not only her but her two kids as well.

she asked me whether i took them as a whole.
i replied affirmative.

i intended to ived with her and her two kids as well.
i have bought a flat.
but she has rejected me 3 weeks ago.

she has in fact perferred her indian muslim.

it was difficult to be in the middle of her two best friends, and i have forced her to make a decisive decision.
i did not like things hanging in the air.

i myself also made a huge bet as well and lost heavily.

i have accepted her decision and glad that it was all over for us.
however,i was still much in love with her.

it will stayed on for a long while.

the first meeting

after 18 long days, i have finally met her.
yes, after 18 long, long days like eternity.

it is good.
yes, it is good.

finally, after this first meeting, we can really placed the things done and get going.
i am at rest that she is really getting well.
i stop worrying about her.

she recovered much faster than i have assumed.
as usual, when she spoke, she lowered her head and asked me, "how are you? how are you?"
i stood in front of her, smiling and did not know how to answer her, but found my voice and said," i'm fine, thank you."

it is good to see her face to face.
she was beautiful as ever, in my eyes. she is still the one who rejected me,and now speaking to me.

ah. i missed her of my very first thought.
how i wished to be with her again.

my love still with her, and i still loved her as ever.

later, when i has completed my work, and able to talk to her and even joked with her too.
she also has put on 1kg from 41 kg to 42 kg.

it is good.


the good old times.

but i knew it is a goodbye, and i gave her my carved comb of mine to her, asking her to pass to her son.
i really liked to kiss her and hug her, but could not do that.

she accepted it and told me she did not know whether her son would like it or not.

alas.

i do miss her.
i do miss her much.

met her again the next morning after my off day and she was smiling at me when we wished her good morning.

it is good.

Part II

i have asked my good friend about her.

she noticed that she has became even skinny after the breakup.

she had made the decision that it was a "no"for us and she chose over her 3-years indian Muslim friend.

i knew that we have both suffered.

i myself lost 2 kg too.

my friend also noticed that she has been thinking too much lately on her last night and was not her usual self.

i was surprised to hear this and now that we have part, i could not say too much.

my friend also surprised to hear that i will be accepting not only her but her two kids as well.

she asked me whether i took thme as a whole.
i replied affirmative.

i intended to let her lived with me and her two kids as well.
but she has rejected me 3 weeks ago.

she has in fact perferred her indian muslim than me.

i have accepted her decision and glad that it was all over for us.
however,i was still much in love with her.

it will stayed on for a long while.

Breaking up

So you and your spouse or ex lover are no longer together.
Are you the type that lingers on licking on old wounds over and over again?
Or are you ready to accept the demise of the relationship and take life by the horns.

If you still are reliving the past then chances are you haven't accepted that your relationship is over and denial has grabbed on to you so hard that your vision has become distorted. It is very difficult and painful when a relationship ends.

Even though a relation may end, it doesn't mean that it is the end of the world or the end of you. But here are some tips for moving on when your relation has turned sour.

*Accept that the relationship is over.

Accepting that the relation has ended is probably the hardest thing to do.
It hurts very much to hear someone tell you they no longer want to be with you.

You can hardly believe what is happening. Denial sets in when you start to believe none of this is really happening. You may cry, scream, and even become angry. These emotions are normal and you need to go through them. But is is very important not to linger in denial, anger, and sadness to long.

A good way to dealing with the stress of breaking up is to talk about it. Talk to one of your close friends or a family member you can trust. But don't overload yourself or you friends with the break up. Overloading your friends with it will make them keep their distance from you. No one wants to hear the same thing over and over again. It also slows down the healing process. The best way to come to terms with something to face it and deal with it head on day by day. Accepting that its over will become easier everyday.

*Take responsibility for your part in the end of the relationship.

It's easy to blame your ex partner for all the things that went wrong in the relationship. But it is never any one person's fault. In order not to repeat the same mistakes , you have to learn what caused the problems in the first place. Ask yourself some very important questions. Is there something that you could of done differently? What would you do differently? Where you paying attention to those warning signs about your partner? Own up to your part in what went wrong in your relationship.It's important to learn from your past experience. It makes you a wiser and maturer person.

*Forgive yourself and your ex partner.

Even if your ex partner was the worse person in the world, you have to forgive him or her. Forgiveness is not for the other person,it's for yourself. Forgiveness helps you to let go of the hurt and anguish that was caused by your partner. It frees you from holding on to things you need to discard. It doesn't make you forget those things that took place, but it does become easier when you release the baggage. We all do things we regret. Even if you did some things in your relation that caused it to fail, you have to forgive yourselves as well. We all make mistakes. We have to accept our mistakes and own up to them before the forgiveness process can even begin. You cannot heal if you continue to beat yourself up over something you cannot change. Learn to be forgive.

*Give yourself time to heal.

There is a saying. Time heals all wounds. But you have to allow it to. Don't make the mistake and jump into an new relationship too soon or spend to much time being angry and depressed over what took place.

Allow yourself time to heal from the break up.

Use your time to reevaluate and nourish your mind, body and spirit. Breaks ups can take a lot on you. Take time out for yourself and get to know who you really are. Once you stop blaming yourself for what happened, you will realize that everything happens for a reason. Time marches on and wounds do heal.

No one said a breaking up was easy or that healing is a fast process. But it will happen if you allow it to. Take one day at a time and you will see a new horizon ahead. If you need to seek professional help, take that step. There nothing wrong with that. You can find support in your friends and family if you need it.

What is important is you get through your ordeal healthy and you've learned something. Moving on will get easier from day to day.

be happy

why sad, be happy!!

the first sms

after my night shift yesterday and supervising the contractor on dismantled the existing old lourver and replaced new ones, i have a thought on her and text message to her to inform her tonight will be her first night shift and asked her to sleep well as it will be busy tonight.

after i have sent her message, i did not expected any return sms. normally she will read it and ignore it.
but at 12.28hrs, she replied to me,"ok po,u too!"

i was dead tired but managed to text her that i was busy on yesterday's night shift and asked her she was fine.

she replied at 15.35hrs that,

"u rest, m vry good, evrything doing well on my part."

i missed her so at around 1800hrs, after i have read her sms, i text her,"
miss na miss kita,miss na miss kita"

she did not returned my sms.

alas. but it is good that she finally returned my text message.
it has been since 17th February that i have not received any sms from her.
it has been 11 days since.

well, now i could really relax and sit back.

and take a break.



glad that she was doing well on her part.
i may ask her when i meet her on her night shift someday.

Do you love me?

Mahal mo ba ako?



Oo, mahal kita.



Mahal na mahal kita.



Mahal mo rin ba ako?



Mahal din kita.



Mahal na mahal din kita.



Mahal mo ba talaga ako?



Paniwalaan mo ako.



Ikaw ang mahal ko.

11 days after

it has been 11 days after she has sent me sms that she did not give me another chance.
i was glad that i was able to get over it quickly, and went to work.
i have assumed that i would have problems in coping the daily life of mine after she has left me.
i still alive, thanks god who has a sense of humour.
really have to thanks god.

i felt much relief, rather than sorrow.
there are so much pain, although i was happy together with her.

i was glad that i have made the decision in letting her go.
i also let her chose her destiny.

in the end, she is not meant to be.
well, she could have a good wife to me and i will be faithfull husband.

could have..

as time passes by, the pain got bearable and i usually thought of those good times, instead of the pain.
ah..those days

tears

of course, i still feel the pain, not as much as last week.
still, there are tears in my eyes.
still cannot accept that she is gone forever.
yes, gone forever.

it is something that i have not thought of it when i was with her.
i like to see her everyday, but couldn't.
alas.

she has told me that i will regret it for the rest of my life.
she told me that i did not know what i was doing.

i asked for forgiveness, and for another chace to be with her.
in the end, i lost the betting and lost all.

i did not eat well, and let the hunger went on and on.
it was like torturing myself for making such a decision.

and she did not fare better than me, too.

she was moody when i meet her on that day.
alas.

things changed.

i really hoped all will settled down and back to normal.
i certainly hope so.
i certainly hope so.
i certainly hope so.

i will be meeting her when i will be doing my only one night shift with her.
i do not know what will happen on that day.
i just do not have any idea.

but one thing i knew that it will be slightly different from what i used to do.
let's hope everything is alright.

i do not like to think too much. i cannot see the future.
when it comes,it will comes.

she has decided and is is better for me and for hers as well.

romance

deeply fell in love

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent,Honest,Sweet.
You are friendly to everybody, Don't like conflict
Because you're so cheerful,
Fun people are naturally attracted to you,
Like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking:

You are a true romantic.
When you are in love,
You will do anything,
Everything to keep your love true

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person
And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships,
Aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like.
If you meet the right person,
You will fall deeply.
Beautifully in love

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life
You want to study hard
Learn as much as you can

The right job for you:
You're a practical person
Will choose a secure job with a steady income
Knowing what you like to do is important
Find a regular job doing just that
You'll be set for life


How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure
Scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you d
Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image
The way others see you
Not what you wear

tree

goodbye kiss

forever,those wonderful times that we are together for such a short of period, i was madly in love with you, those will be forever in my mind.

they are mine alone,no one can share. no one but you.

never, i have such a heart-warming feelings before.
never.

you have given all to me, but i have disappointed you.
my apologies.
my truly apologies.

goodbye,my friend,goodbye.

Mwahh...

1st

after last seen her 10 days ago, i finally got to meet her when i came to work after my LNY's holidays.
it has been a long, long, long 10 days that we have not seen each other.
i could remember that we had a pleasant breakfast in the morning.
never we felt so good before.


still, i would like to see her how is she doing all these while.
is she okay? is she coping well?
there are so many questions i like to ask her.

i have heard it was busy on her night shift, and that could divert her attention to work.
for us, i have so free and have been thinking all these days.
i have also lost weight too.
people commented that i have not only lost weight but also there are so many white hairs.


the separation has been hard on me.

the first meeting is extremly important and i could see how our relationships are.
so, i have been waiting for these while for my precious 1st meeting.

alas.

i did see her at her normal place,but..

she did not give me any chance to speak to her. no chance at all.
furthermore, she was moody, full of worries.

that was unlike her usual self, being jovial and cheerful.

for the first time, i have not seen her smile.

it was heart aching and i did not dare anyhow to approach her.

i was waiting for a chance, waiting for the right moment.
i saw her colleague went in the rest room, and she also went in as well.
that was the only chance i have and i seized it, knowing well it will be gone forever.

i took this tiny opportunity when she went to the rest room to speak to her colleague.

we opened the door, and walked straight to the room, and wished her happy new year.
i reached out my hand and shook her hand.

i still have the same feelings and i could feel that she also think of me, too.
the same old feeling when we are together.

she waved me off and i shook hands with her colleague.

an i quietly walked out the room andback to our work.

it is perfectly clear that our relationship has ended.

she did not like to be hurt again and her precious kids as well.

i shall not see or speak to her the way i used to have.
no more playing with her hands and hersilk hairs, joked with her.

it has been hurting for both of us,as she like to break off her relationships with her two boyfriends but could not. they needed her too.
they also could not bear to part with her.

for me, i loved her so much that i have to let go.

it has been only a week, but for me, it was more like a year.
when i thought of her, i could not help crying, but have to hold back my tears.

i have to let it all go and move on.

alas.

gone

after speaking to my sister, i felt that i have made the right choice.
she told me that her things are several strings of problem that tied her down.
it was too much complicated,she said.

after i have told her the long story cut short, i was relieved to have a good listener.
finally i can let it go.
finally, it is over.

glad that i have made the correct decision in the end.
my instincts is right on the spot.

gone with the wind, man, gone with the wind


franklyy speaking, it has been difficult for me.
difficult to let go of her,especially i knew that i will not have another girlfriend.

well, it is good that the thing was finally came to past, and i was glad that i have made it through.

had i go on, it will be the most difficult to get myself out from the quicksand.
difficult, i have to admit.

alas.

should have

if only i did not made the biggest gamble of my life, she is still yours.

if only i delayed it for another day or two, she is still yours.


if only i have endured a bit longer, she is still yours.

if only i hanged on a bit longer, she is still yours.

if only time can turned back, she is still yours.

but i knew it is mission impossible.
impossible.

alas.


i still madly love her.
still.

not because she will be the last one, no.
no,
really,
i truly love her.

you see, when she is with you, you did not treasure her.
only when she is gone, you will cherish this relationship.

however, it is good as gone.

sign.

she is such a plesant girl.
why i did this to her?

why?

she told me that i will regret it for the rest of my life.
yes, i did.

i will really regret.
she is right.

all i can say is:
sign...

dreamer

i have thought that i will not feel the pain.
suddenly, just one thought of the decision she has made few days hit me hard in my heart.
and suddenly i found myself crumbled again.
crumbled into pieces and more pieces.
and i cried and cried.

i have thought that it was over, but in fact, it was just the beginning.
the beginning of the worst to come.

she was a professional, really is.

i am still at the beginning of the long and unwinding road to full recovery.

i still have a long way.

i went for an hot afternoon jog instead.
before, we did push-ups to our maximum.
we tried to make my body tired.
tired of thinking and divert our attention to other things.

it will not be easy.

i still dreaming.
because i am a dreamer.

i still dream of spending the rest of my life with her.
but it pained me that i have to share with two of her good male friends who comes before me.

it will not work in the first place.
neither in the future.

she had so many things to take care, so many.

and i often wonder.

maybe i should have to step into her world in the first place.

i am just a naive and thought of nothing else but she and me only.
and also two precious kids, age 16 and 12 years old.

i have met them and accepted them.
they also accepted me.

But i am completely and totally wrong indeed.
i have failed.
i have failed.

normally i did not give up easily.
but this time, the more i love her, the more i like to give up.

pain and love came together at the same time.
i was puzzled, never in my life felt like this before.
never.

alas.
what is done cannot be undone.
love is over.

undone things

i still have undone things: her annulment.
i have contacted a law office in metro manila and Atty Maria was kind enough to e-mail my queries.
she is good and efficient.

but i face one big problem.
i cannot call my ex-girlfriend because she refuse to answer my call.
i just can send her text messages so that she can ask her eldest daughter to reply.

the annulment acceptance is 150,000 peso and will last less than a year, depending whether her husband. when he opposed, the period will be longer and of course, fee will also increased.

i think her husband will oppose.

i have text message of the law office's e-mail address and hope her daughter can reply soon.

i should have done this long time ago when she is still my girlfriend.

now after this, all have changed. difficult to get the things done.

i have gambled and lost the bet that she will come back.

she did not.
i have to accept it and be a good loser.

as i thought of the wonderful times with her, they are our memories that will remained printed in my mind for the rest of my life

let go all

LET GO ALL.
my heart is now empty.
i do not feel any pain.
for there is no existence of me.

i have not been sleeping well for the past few days.

time for a good and comforting rest.

i have let go and let God.

OH YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

surprise

i have thought i am the only one to love her.
i have been thinking this as she told us to be free in her friends.
so, i let her do what she like to do.

then a surprise when i visited my friends who was also her manager.
she told me that her best friend came to her working place to look for her.
it happened few times already, and her manager assumed he was her husband.

actually it was not the case.
he was her best boy friend working in her former place.
she has already left the place.


her relationships with this special friend was more than ordinary.
it is extraordinary.

no wonder she likes not answer phone or returns my sms when she is angry over a small matter.

i was a fool, man.

it is humiliating.

also, she also had another boyfriend who bought clothes, jewelleries and NTUC voucher.
he has been with her for three years.

he was divorcee, he was married to flippina and had two boys.
he was hardworking guy,working in Jurong island, and neglected his wife.

he has proposed to marry her, but he has no plans as he was a Indian-Muslim.

he waited for her to convert to his religion.

but she was strong in her Catholic faith.

he is waiting for her to change her mind.

but i can see that she also loves him dearly.

i also do not have absolute no control over this matter.
she does what she likes to do.

the end

of course, i am sad.
extremly sad.

i have came prepared.
but still, the parting is no simple matter.

it ain't.

it is not supposed to be like that.

but hey, she has made the difficult decision, and i have to accept it, gracefully.

be a good loser.

i bid her goodbye and sent all my best wishes to her.

i will always love her, that's what t told her.

i will wait for you

it is a "no"

she has sms at 0453 hrs,

"i've tot it over and over and m sorry to say tat my answer is no.
its better tis way..take care goodbye."

goodbye

the biggest gamble in my life

when you loves a woman,you let her go.
if she comes back, sshe is yours forever.
If not, she was simply not meant to be.

i have faced the truth:
it will be my biggest gamble i have ever bet in my life.

and i prayed to the precious lord that please let her comeback to me.
i begged him.

she has not replied to my sms yet.
nothing.
dead.

my heart wandered ups and downs.
definitely not a good feelings.

i felt that i am useless, cannot do anything.

except to wait for the answer when she sms or call me.

we have to wait patiently.

the long wait

it happened on 14th February 2010.
she told me that she will give an answer.

i asked her to give one more chance.
one more chance to be with her.

i told her not to let me hanging in the air, waiting for the answer.
it is terrible feeling, as i have been there few times in my life.
it is more like suffering.

as it is now on 16th February 2010 at 1654hrs, she has yet given me the answer.

it will one of my longest wait of my life.
the longest wait.

each seconds, each minutes, each hours and each days are like eternity.
it never ends, never.

i also hardly slept last night, hardly.
i have been thinking, when will this ordeal end?

i do not know

i also ate less. no appetite.
my weight dropped too for the past two days.

i do not know what to do, as all the flower shops are closed for LNY.
i have to wait till tomorrow.

even then,it will be another wait never end, too.

alas.
sign.

should have considered the consequences of making a serious mistakes.

i sent her sms,no reply.
yesterday's night too: no reply.

it is like nothing has happened, a drop in the vast ocean.

no response.
dead.

it meant that i have done something terrible wrong to upset her.
i asked for space, and here she really gives me alot of space and alot of waiting too.

when will it ended?

just give me an answer.

very simple YES or NO.

alas.

it is not a simple matter, afterall

i have thought it will be a simple matter of parting ways to our girlfriend.
but after i have sent sms to bid her goodbye, we regret afterwards.
i felt pain, sad and sorrow.

after i have contacted her, she told things that i suddenly realized that i did the wrong things.
i still loved her even more.
i could not bear leaving her, and the rejection was too much to stand.

i seek for forgiveness she accepted. when i asked for a chance to be together, her initial answer is "no".

suddenly i felt i have lost everything in my life,i did not know how to face our colleagues when i return to work after the holidays.

alas.

luckily she changes her mind and let her consider and will let us know.

it will be the longest wait for my life.
i do hope i can be with her again.

but at the same time, i have to withstand the pain of losing her.

well, in the meantime, i have to wait.

thing hanging in the air was no good for the heart.
annother pain, and it is hurting.

i often wonder love and pain are together. i felt love and also pain.

it was not what i have expected in the first place.

alas.

in the first place, i have thought of myself, and did not think of her feelings.
when she told us that she could not believe that i have sent her sms, it made me realized that i have done the most serious things in my life.
i could lose her, forever.

and what she said is right too: i may regret it for the rest of my life.
alas.

instead of solving problems, i am creating more problems for her.

i have made the mistake and she forgave us.
when she gives me another chance to be with her, i will surely treasure it.

that's the things happened after i have lose her in the first place.

alas.

by now, she could have awaken from her night shift.

she is still weak after her tiring night shifts.so far, i have text one message in the morning at around 11am. i told her to rest and sleep rest.

the most important thing was that i have takne back all the sms i have sent to her and offered my deepest apology.

hope for the best as i could barely hold my tears.

let go

what is love about

when she did not responded to our calls and sms, i was really confused and angry at the same time.
instead of thinking too much at home, i went for an evening jog.
a long and slow one, to clear our thoughts and our mind.

it has been a different jog each time we moved past the trees and smell the fragnance of the forest.

by the end of jog, i have realized i have forgiven her for what she has done for us throughout the day.

it also must have hurt her too as much as i did.

alas.

i was so wrong. i made numerous mistakes that i was awore of it and did not take note of it. i was so ignorant.

in the end,i knew something, something was amiss, something was not right somewhere.
i found ourselves being hurt over and over.
i simply did not know what has happened.
i have not experienced before. such pains, helplessnes and agonies.
i have found ourselves lost and being under control.

i could not move what i usually did.

now that i have let go,i found myself back what i was supposed.
at long last, i have been a fool for those day that i did not know.
alas.

no matter what has happened,i have encough of pain.

it was not supposed to be like that.

THE GAMBLER

KENNY ROGERS - THE GAMBLER

On a warm summers evening, on a train bound for nowhere
I met up with a gambler, we were both too tired to sleep

So we took turns at staring out the window at the darkness
The boredom overtook us and he began to speak

He said, son I've made a life out of reading people's faces
And knowing what the cards were, by the way they held their eyes

So if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of aces
For a taste of your whiskey, I'll give you some advice

So I handed him my bottle, and he drank down my last swallow
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light

And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression
Said, if you're gonna play the game, boy, you gotta learn to play it right

Chorus:

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em

Know when to walk away and know when to run

You never count your money, when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin', when the dealin's done

Every gambler knows that the secret to survive is

Knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep

'Cos every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser

And the best that you can hope for is dyin' in your sleep
And when he finished speakin', he turned back for the window
Crushed out the cigarette, faded off to sleep
And somewhere in the darkness, the gambler he broke even
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep

thinking

i have been thinking lately.
i have assumed that i have found a right one.
that was last year.

a right one for our company when we grow old and someone to look after.

at least there is someone. i did not like the ideaof living alone when we are old.
we knew that by that time,most of our friends will get lesser and lesser as each days passed.

now it is the moment. the moment of truth.
i will see whether she will be the one, indeed.

she was right: i did not know her much.
the more she revealed herself, the more we found a great differences between us.

well, indeed, i was just thinking of ourselves in the beginning and it was an one sided affair, afterall.

because she has been keeping to herself, not to reveal her feelings too much.

we could only guessed.

in the end, it will be like gamble.

moon

our dearest moon