Do you love me?

Mahal mo ba ako?



Oo, mahal kita.



Mahal na mahal kita.



Mahal mo rin ba ako?



Mahal din kita.



Mahal na mahal din kita.



Mahal mo ba talaga ako?



Paniwalaan mo ako.



Ikaw ang mahal ko.

11 days after

it has been 11 days after she has sent me sms that she did not give me another chance.
i was glad that i was able to get over it quickly, and went to work.
i have assumed that i would have problems in coping the daily life of mine after she has left me.
i still alive, thanks god who has a sense of humour.
really have to thanks god.

i felt much relief, rather than sorrow.
there are so much pain, although i was happy together with her.

i was glad that i have made the decision in letting her go.
i also let her chose her destiny.

in the end, she is not meant to be.
well, she could have a good wife to me and i will be faithfull husband.

could have..

as time passes by, the pain got bearable and i usually thought of those good times, instead of the pain.
ah..those days

tears

of course, i still feel the pain, not as much as last week.
still, there are tears in my eyes.
still cannot accept that she is gone forever.
yes, gone forever.

it is something that i have not thought of it when i was with her.
i like to see her everyday, but couldn't.
alas.

she has told me that i will regret it for the rest of my life.
she told me that i did not know what i was doing.

i asked for forgiveness, and for another chace to be with her.
in the end, i lost the betting and lost all.

i did not eat well, and let the hunger went on and on.
it was like torturing myself for making such a decision.

and she did not fare better than me, too.

she was moody when i meet her on that day.
alas.

things changed.

i really hoped all will settled down and back to normal.
i certainly hope so.
i certainly hope so.
i certainly hope so.

i will be meeting her when i will be doing my only one night shift with her.
i do not know what will happen on that day.
i just do not have any idea.

but one thing i knew that it will be slightly different from what i used to do.
let's hope everything is alright.

i do not like to think too much. i cannot see the future.
when it comes,it will comes.

she has decided and is is better for me and for hers as well.

romance

deeply fell in love

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent,Honest,Sweet.
You are friendly to everybody, Don't like conflict
Because you're so cheerful,
Fun people are naturally attracted to you,
Like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking:

You are a true romantic.
When you are in love,
You will do anything,
Everything to keep your love true

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person
And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships,
Aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like.
If you meet the right person,
You will fall deeply.
Beautifully in love

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life
You want to study hard
Learn as much as you can

The right job for you:
You're a practical person
Will choose a secure job with a steady income
Knowing what you like to do is important
Find a regular job doing just that
You'll be set for life


How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure
Scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you d
Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image
The way others see you
Not what you wear

tree

goodbye kiss

forever,those wonderful times that we are together for such a short of period, i was madly in love with you, those will be forever in my mind.

they are mine alone,no one can share. no one but you.

never, i have such a heart-warming feelings before.
never.

you have given all to me, but i have disappointed you.
my apologies.
my truly apologies.

goodbye,my friend,goodbye.

Mwahh...

1st

after last seen her 10 days ago, i finally got to meet her when i came to work after my LNY's holidays.
it has been a long, long, long 10 days that we have not seen each other.
i could remember that we had a pleasant breakfast in the morning.
never we felt so good before.


still, i would like to see her how is she doing all these while.
is she okay? is she coping well?
there are so many questions i like to ask her.

i have heard it was busy on her night shift, and that could divert her attention to work.
for us, i have so free and have been thinking all these days.
i have also lost weight too.
people commented that i have not only lost weight but also there are so many white hairs.


the separation has been hard on me.

the first meeting is extremly important and i could see how our relationships are.
so, i have been waiting for these while for my precious 1st meeting.

alas.

i did see her at her normal place,but..

she did not give me any chance to speak to her. no chance at all.
furthermore, she was moody, full of worries.

that was unlike her usual self, being jovial and cheerful.

for the first time, i have not seen her smile.

it was heart aching and i did not dare anyhow to approach her.

i was waiting for a chance, waiting for the right moment.
i saw her colleague went in the rest room, and she also went in as well.
that was the only chance i have and i seized it, knowing well it will be gone forever.

i took this tiny opportunity when she went to the rest room to speak to her colleague.

we opened the door, and walked straight to the room, and wished her happy new year.
i reached out my hand and shook her hand.

i still have the same feelings and i could feel that she also think of me, too.
the same old feeling when we are together.

she waved me off and i shook hands with her colleague.

an i quietly walked out the room andback to our work.

it is perfectly clear that our relationship has ended.

she did not like to be hurt again and her precious kids as well.

i shall not see or speak to her the way i used to have.
no more playing with her hands and hersilk hairs, joked with her.

it has been hurting for both of us,as she like to break off her relationships with her two boyfriends but could not. they needed her too.
they also could not bear to part with her.

for me, i loved her so much that i have to let go.

it has been only a week, but for me, it was more like a year.
when i thought of her, i could not help crying, but have to hold back my tears.

i have to let it all go and move on.

alas.

gone

after speaking to my sister, i felt that i have made the right choice.
she told me that her things are several strings of problem that tied her down.
it was too much complicated,she said.

after i have told her the long story cut short, i was relieved to have a good listener.
finally i can let it go.
finally, it is over.

glad that i have made the correct decision in the end.
my instincts is right on the spot.

gone with the wind, man, gone with the wind


franklyy speaking, it has been difficult for me.
difficult to let go of her,especially i knew that i will not have another girlfriend.

well, it is good that the thing was finally came to past, and i was glad that i have made it through.

had i go on, it will be the most difficult to get myself out from the quicksand.
difficult, i have to admit.

alas.

should have

if only i did not made the biggest gamble of my life, she is still yours.

if only i delayed it for another day or two, she is still yours.


if only i have endured a bit longer, she is still yours.

if only i hanged on a bit longer, she is still yours.

if only time can turned back, she is still yours.

but i knew it is mission impossible.
impossible.

alas.


i still madly love her.
still.

not because she will be the last one, no.
no,
really,
i truly love her.

you see, when she is with you, you did not treasure her.
only when she is gone, you will cherish this relationship.

however, it is good as gone.

sign.

she is such a plesant girl.
why i did this to her?

why?

she told me that i will regret it for the rest of my life.
yes, i did.

i will really regret.
she is right.

all i can say is:
sign...

dreamer

i have thought that i will not feel the pain.
suddenly, just one thought of the decision she has made few days hit me hard in my heart.
and suddenly i found myself crumbled again.
crumbled into pieces and more pieces.
and i cried and cried.

i have thought that it was over, but in fact, it was just the beginning.
the beginning of the worst to come.

she was a professional, really is.

i am still at the beginning of the long and unwinding road to full recovery.

i still have a long way.

i went for an hot afternoon jog instead.
before, we did push-ups to our maximum.
we tried to make my body tired.
tired of thinking and divert our attention to other things.

it will not be easy.

i still dreaming.
because i am a dreamer.

i still dream of spending the rest of my life with her.
but it pained me that i have to share with two of her good male friends who comes before me.

it will not work in the first place.
neither in the future.

she had so many things to take care, so many.

and i often wonder.

maybe i should have to step into her world in the first place.

i am just a naive and thought of nothing else but she and me only.
and also two precious kids, age 16 and 12 years old.

i have met them and accepted them.
they also accepted me.

But i am completely and totally wrong indeed.
i have failed.
i have failed.

normally i did not give up easily.
but this time, the more i love her, the more i like to give up.

pain and love came together at the same time.
i was puzzled, never in my life felt like this before.
never.

alas.
what is done cannot be undone.
love is over.

undone things

i still have undone things: her annulment.
i have contacted a law office in metro manila and Atty Maria was kind enough to e-mail my queries.
she is good and efficient.

but i face one big problem.
i cannot call my ex-girlfriend because she refuse to answer my call.
i just can send her text messages so that she can ask her eldest daughter to reply.

the annulment acceptance is 150,000 peso and will last less than a year, depending whether her husband. when he opposed, the period will be longer and of course, fee will also increased.

i think her husband will oppose.

i have text message of the law office's e-mail address and hope her daughter can reply soon.

i should have done this long time ago when she is still my girlfriend.

now after this, all have changed. difficult to get the things done.

i have gambled and lost the bet that she will come back.

she did not.
i have to accept it and be a good loser.

as i thought of the wonderful times with her, they are our memories that will remained printed in my mind for the rest of my life

let go all

LET GO ALL.
my heart is now empty.
i do not feel any pain.
for there is no existence of me.

i have not been sleeping well for the past few days.

time for a good and comforting rest.

i have let go and let God.

OH YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

surprise

i have thought i am the only one to love her.
i have been thinking this as she told us to be free in her friends.
so, i let her do what she like to do.

then a surprise when i visited my friends who was also her manager.
she told me that her best friend came to her working place to look for her.
it happened few times already, and her manager assumed he was her husband.

actually it was not the case.
he was her best boy friend working in her former place.
she has already left the place.


her relationships with this special friend was more than ordinary.
it is extraordinary.

no wonder she likes not answer phone or returns my sms when she is angry over a small matter.

i was a fool, man.

it is humiliating.

also, she also had another boyfriend who bought clothes, jewelleries and NTUC voucher.
he has been with her for three years.

he was divorcee, he was married to flippina and had two boys.
he was hardworking guy,working in Jurong island, and neglected his wife.

he has proposed to marry her, but he has no plans as he was a Indian-Muslim.

he waited for her to convert to his religion.

but she was strong in her Catholic faith.

he is waiting for her to change her mind.

but i can see that she also loves him dearly.

i also do not have absolute no control over this matter.
she does what she likes to do.

the end

of course, i am sad.
extremly sad.

i have came prepared.
but still, the parting is no simple matter.

it ain't.

it is not supposed to be like that.

but hey, she has made the difficult decision, and i have to accept it, gracefully.

be a good loser.

i bid her goodbye and sent all my best wishes to her.

i will always love her, that's what t told her.

i will wait for you

it is a "no"

she has sms at 0453 hrs,

"i've tot it over and over and m sorry to say tat my answer is no.
its better tis way..take care goodbye."

goodbye

the biggest gamble in my life

when you loves a woman,you let her go.
if she comes back, sshe is yours forever.
If not, she was simply not meant to be.

i have faced the truth:
it will be my biggest gamble i have ever bet in my life.

and i prayed to the precious lord that please let her comeback to me.
i begged him.

she has not replied to my sms yet.
nothing.
dead.

my heart wandered ups and downs.
definitely not a good feelings.

i felt that i am useless, cannot do anything.

except to wait for the answer when she sms or call me.

we have to wait patiently.

the long wait

it happened on 14th February 2010.
she told me that she will give an answer.

i asked her to give one more chance.
one more chance to be with her.

i told her not to let me hanging in the air, waiting for the answer.
it is terrible feeling, as i have been there few times in my life.
it is more like suffering.

as it is now on 16th February 2010 at 1654hrs, she has yet given me the answer.

it will one of my longest wait of my life.
the longest wait.

each seconds, each minutes, each hours and each days are like eternity.
it never ends, never.

i also hardly slept last night, hardly.
i have been thinking, when will this ordeal end?

i do not know

i also ate less. no appetite.
my weight dropped too for the past two days.

i do not know what to do, as all the flower shops are closed for LNY.
i have to wait till tomorrow.

even then,it will be another wait never end, too.

alas.
sign.

should have considered the consequences of making a serious mistakes.

i sent her sms,no reply.
yesterday's night too: no reply.

it is like nothing has happened, a drop in the vast ocean.

no response.
dead.

it meant that i have done something terrible wrong to upset her.
i asked for space, and here she really gives me alot of space and alot of waiting too.

when will it ended?

just give me an answer.

very simple YES or NO.

alas.

it is not a simple matter, afterall

i have thought it will be a simple matter of parting ways to our girlfriend.
but after i have sent sms to bid her goodbye, we regret afterwards.
i felt pain, sad and sorrow.

after i have contacted her, she told things that i suddenly realized that i did the wrong things.
i still loved her even more.
i could not bear leaving her, and the rejection was too much to stand.

i seek for forgiveness she accepted. when i asked for a chance to be together, her initial answer is "no".

suddenly i felt i have lost everything in my life,i did not know how to face our colleagues when i return to work after the holidays.

alas.

luckily she changes her mind and let her consider and will let us know.

it will be the longest wait for my life.
i do hope i can be with her again.

but at the same time, i have to withstand the pain of losing her.

well, in the meantime, i have to wait.

thing hanging in the air was no good for the heart.
annother pain, and it is hurting.

i often wonder love and pain are together. i felt love and also pain.

it was not what i have expected in the first place.

alas.

in the first place, i have thought of myself, and did not think of her feelings.
when she told us that she could not believe that i have sent her sms, it made me realized that i have done the most serious things in my life.
i could lose her, forever.

and what she said is right too: i may regret it for the rest of my life.
alas.

instead of solving problems, i am creating more problems for her.

i have made the mistake and she forgave us.
when she gives me another chance to be with her, i will surely treasure it.

that's the things happened after i have lose her in the first place.

alas.

by now, she could have awaken from her night shift.

she is still weak after her tiring night shifts.so far, i have text one message in the morning at around 11am. i told her to rest and sleep rest.

the most important thing was that i have takne back all the sms i have sent to her and offered my deepest apology.

hope for the best as i could barely hold my tears.

let go

what is love about

when she did not responded to our calls and sms, i was really confused and angry at the same time.
instead of thinking too much at home, i went for an evening jog.
a long and slow one, to clear our thoughts and our mind.

it has been a different jog each time we moved past the trees and smell the fragnance of the forest.

by the end of jog, i have realized i have forgiven her for what she has done for us throughout the day.

it also must have hurt her too as much as i did.

alas.

i was so wrong. i made numerous mistakes that i was awore of it and did not take note of it. i was so ignorant.

in the end,i knew something, something was amiss, something was not right somewhere.
i found ourselves being hurt over and over.
i simply did not know what has happened.
i have not experienced before. such pains, helplessnes and agonies.
i have found ourselves lost and being under control.

i could not move what i usually did.

now that i have let go,i found myself back what i was supposed.
at long last, i have been a fool for those day that i did not know.
alas.

no matter what has happened,i have encough of pain.

it was not supposed to be like that.

THE GAMBLER

KENNY ROGERS - THE GAMBLER

On a warm summers evening, on a train bound for nowhere
I met up with a gambler, we were both too tired to sleep

So we took turns at staring out the window at the darkness
The boredom overtook us and he began to speak

He said, son I've made a life out of reading people's faces
And knowing what the cards were, by the way they held their eyes

So if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of aces
For a taste of your whiskey, I'll give you some advice

So I handed him my bottle, and he drank down my last swallow
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light

And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression
Said, if you're gonna play the game, boy, you gotta learn to play it right

Chorus:

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em

Know when to walk away and know when to run

You never count your money, when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin', when the dealin's done

Every gambler knows that the secret to survive is

Knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep

'Cos every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser

And the best that you can hope for is dyin' in your sleep
And when he finished speakin', he turned back for the window
Crushed out the cigarette, faded off to sleep
And somewhere in the darkness, the gambler he broke even
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep

thinking

i have been thinking lately.
i have assumed that i have found a right one.
that was last year.

a right one for our company when we grow old and someone to look after.

at least there is someone. i did not like the ideaof living alone when we are old.
we knew that by that time,most of our friends will get lesser and lesser as each days passed.

now it is the moment. the moment of truth.
i will see whether she will be the one, indeed.

she was right: i did not know her much.
the more she revealed herself, the more we found a great differences between us.

well, indeed, i was just thinking of ourselves in the beginning and it was an one sided affair, afterall.

because she has been keeping to herself, not to reveal her feelings too much.

we could only guessed.

in the end, it will be like gamble.

moon

our dearest moon