love

love still lingers on..

quietness

i will be still.
i will reflect of the things i have done.
alas.
it has been something this year.
but i am glad that i am still alive.
thanks god!

rain

Went for an afternoon jog today.
Rain has stopped and I thought it would just like any other day.
But it continued on, and became heavier and heavier.
Waited at the bus stop for few minutes and decided to jog instead, despite the rain.

It was not that heavier, just a drizzling.
I continued on.


I was thoroughly drenched.
And I pondered: is that what you got for me.
I have jogged even under heavier rain, but today was just teasing us.

i recalled the relationship with her.
it was just a game for her.
she has been playing.

she has so many suitors.(she told me)
and losing one did not hurt her much, but just thrilling to see me in pain, agony and sorrow.
but i did not do that.

i became even stronger.
i have told her she will be the last one, and stressed the importance.
now no more.
i have thought through and got up where i have fallen.
i have come to this world empty-handed and shall leave this world empty-handed as well.
so, it does not matter much, really.
i do not care about her anymore.
i have since move on.


i emptied my mind.
when i saw her again, i wondered why i have fallen for her.
love is blind.

alas.
this is a tiny, tiny thing that do not hurt me anymore.

reverse

i always do things in a direct manner.
now, i have to change.
instead, i will doing things in inverted manner.
the exact opposite.

the opposite thinking: Reverse Psychology.
a strange way of thinking and actions.
it may work or it may not.

it does not matter, really.

instead of loving her, i will do the exact reverse.
i will not love her.
i will do things that excluded her.
i will not speak to her anymore.

so, when i meet a girl whom i like, i will do the same as well.
cheers, and have fun, too.

revive

i shall get up where i have fallen.
it is not easy, but i have to do it.
time wait for no man.
God has been good to me, and i am grateful.
so,i shall get up, move on where i have fallen, hard

dreams

I still love you, but in my dreams only
I love you with all my heart, all my soul and all my might.
Dreams are real.
But in reality, you are not real.

the search is still on

despite of the things that happened recently, my search for the one is still on.
even though i know the chances are slim, i still cling on the hope.
i still have the hope.
even how tiny, how razor-thin it is, i still willingly not given up hopes.

i will spend my entire life to find the one, the special one.
this is one of the things i have to do before i disappeared in this world.
just one of simple wishes.

but i know the more i like to have,the further it becomes.
so, i just relax and follow the flow of nature.

of course, i have to know that the search will ended in nothing.
and i will be greatly disappointed.

but still my hope is on.

alone

i remembered watching the DVD,"the gladiators".
The general was saying," if you found yourself alone..you will be dead"
but i am still much alive.

without her, i am lone.
i know that when i will get old one day, i will be even more alone.
i know.

but this is my destiny.
i cannot see my future, and i hope for the best.
i have been like this all my life.

so, when i broke up with her, it is back to my simple life, yet again.

i am humble person, easy to be contented with what i have.
life goes on, with or without her.
of course, i prefer someone with me when i grows old.
of course, it is better this way.
but in reality, it is easy said than done.

i have to live in a real world, but my spirit is out of this imperfect world.
i tell myself: i have to move on.

life goes on

life is full of circles.
i am back to where i started from.
i assumed that i have found a right one, after years of seraching.
but it turned out otherwise.
nevermind, life goes on.

i am back where i am belong.
things also come back to normal, much to my surprise.

so, i am back where i have begin my journey.
i have fallen, and i got up from where i have fell and move on.

that's me

i will be still

i was stubborn.
i refused to listen to my sister's advise.
in the end, i was hurt, again.
this time, i had encough and decided to end this relationship once and for all.
my heart aches.
yes, i do love her.
i like to have this wonderful love to linger on.
but again and again, she has caused us pain, sorrow and agonies.

i made the mistakes in the beginning and have to bear the responsibilities.

so, i decided not to speak her anymore.
even she asked us anything, i will keep quiet and still.

it is best to avoid her at all cost.

when things come to this abrupt end, it saddens us deeply.
well, we do not like this to happen and we knows it will come one day.
it did.

now we are total strangers.
that is what she like to have when she text message to me on that evening.
we have since changed.

i do not care or bother anymore.

a clean break

oh! yes!
i have madea clean break.
there has been rumours and i told them the truth so that i can let it go and move.
i did, and she was not only unhappy but very angry.
well..love is just a game.
there are winners and losers.
in the end, i have to do what is necessary.

last time, i fought and fought and tired easily.
this time, i let go and let god fight for us.

i felt much better already.

book of eli

Thirty years after an apocalyptic event, Eli (Denzel Washington) travels on foot toward the west coast of the United States. Along the way he demonstrates atypical but effective survival and fighting skills, hunting strange wildlife and swiftly defeating a group of highway bandits who try to ambush him. Searching for a source of water he arrives in a ramshackle town which was built by and is overseen by Carnegie (Gary Oldman). Carnegie dreams of building more towns and hinges these hopes on finding a certain book. His henchmen scour the desolate landscape daily in search of it.

In the local bar, Eli is set upon by a gang of bikers and kills them all. Realizing that Eli is a literate man like himself, as well as desiring his skills, Carnegie asks Eli to stay, though it is made clear that the offer is non-negotiable. After Carnegie's blind concubine Claudia (Jennifer Beals) gives Eli some food and water, Carnegie asks Claudia's daughter Solara (Mila Kunis) to seduce Eli. Eli turns her down, but invites her to eat with him. Before they eat though, he has her pray with him. The following day Solara prays with her mother. Carnegie overhears them though and forces Solara to tell him that Eli was reading a book. When he asks what kind, she says she does not know, but forms a cross with her two fingers. Carnegie realizes that Eli has a copy of the Bible, the book he has been looking for, as all copies were destroyed after the apocalypse. Eli sneaks out of his room and goes to the store across the street where he asked the Engineer (Tom Waits) to recharge his portable battery. Carnegie attempts to stop Eli, having all his henchmen fire at him, but Eli avoids the gunfire and shoots most of Carnegie's henchmen, even shooting Carnegie's leg with a shotgun blast. After Eli leaves, Solara follows and tracks him down, hoping she can accompany him on his travels and escape the town. Eli agrees on the condition that she take him to the town's water supply. After fulfilling her end of the bargain, Eli traps her there and continues on alone. Solara escapes and soon finds herself set upon by two men. As Solara grapples with the men, Eli suddenly appears and dispatches them with arrows. Eli and Solara continue on until they arrive at a strange house. They stop to investigate and quickly fall into a trap door. The residents Martha (Frances de la Tour) and George (Michael Gambon) appear and invite them in for tea. Eli surmises that they trap, kill, and then eat invaders, evidenced by their shaking hands from too much human meat. Before Eli and Solara can leave though, they are found by Carnegie.

Eli, Solara, Martha, and George hole up inside the house, and George reveals a hidden stockpile of powerful weaponry. A shoot-out ensues, leading to the death of some of Carnegie's men as well as George and Martha. Eli and Solara are captured. Carnegie threatens to kill Solara, which prompts Eli to hand over the Bible. Carnegie shoots him in the stomach and leaves. While in transit, Solara escapes and drives back to help Eli. Carnegie returns to the town as he has the Bible and is low on fuel. Solara picks Eli up and they continue west until they reach the Golden Gate Bridge, then they row to Alcatraz where they find a group of survivors dedicated to preserving pre-war knowledge. Eli tells the guard that he has a copy of the King James version of the Bible, and they are allowed in. Inside they are introduced to Lombardi (Malcolm McDowell), who is the curator of a collection of things from before the apocalypse. Eli, now revealed to be blind, dictates the Bible from memory to Lombardi, before dying from his wounds. Carnegie has the Engineer open the Bible but is distraught to find that it is in Braille, and Claudia refuses to read it to him. His leg has started to go septic, and he will die without ever having read the Bible. Alcatraz begins printing copies of the Bible. Solara is offered sanctuary, but instead chooses to take up Eli's weapons and go back east.

Is this the end of the momentOr just a beautiful unfoldingOf a love that will never be

i love you goodbye

I wish I could be the one
The one who can give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I’ll always stay with you
But that's not me

You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, that are something I can't do
I could say that I’ll be all you need
But that could be a lie

I know I’d only HURT you
I know I’d only make you cry
I’ll not the one you're needing

I love you goodbye

I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand I’m only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep inside my heart I know this in the kindest thing to do
You’ll need someone who'll be the one that I could never do
Who’ll give you something better
than the love you'll find with me

leaving someone when you love someone
is the hardest thing to do
when you love someone as much as I love you
I don't wanna leave you
it tears me inside
but I’ll never be the one you're are needing

I love you goodbye

It’s never gonna be

I love you goodbye

time

a month later.
time really can heal the wounds.
i have successfully crossed a month's mark.
it was extremely tough in the first week where i did not have anything to talk.
those days i really up my exercise regime where i did 100 pushups the morning and afternoon. took many long walks round and round the blocks.
just to kill the pain of thinking her.
alas.
now it was already a month old.
my wounds is almost healed and the pain has changed to reminiscing the good times i had with her. those time which i have been her.
alas.
it has been difficult in sharing her with two of her best friends.
difficult.
i have been thinking: it has been like this for years, and i just stepped into her life.
i could not demand things i like to have.
can't.

this is not a normal relationship.
with her decision to choose her indian-muslim friend over us and i have offered better deal than him.
it was the biggest gambling bet i have taken.
i let her go.

and i lost.
whether it is a good things or not, i do not know

what we do in life echoes in eternity.

i lost her and i also gained my freedom.

of course, i still love her.
no matter what has happen,my best wishes to her and her children.
the very best wishes.

decision

Part II

i have asked my good friend about her.

she noticed that she has became even skinny after the breakup.

she had made the decision that it was a "no"for us and she chose over her 3-years indian Muslim friend.

i knew that we have both suffered.

i myself lost 2 kg too.

my friend also noticed that she has been thinking too much lately on her last night and was not her usual self.

i was surprised to hear this and now that we have part, i could not say too much.

my friend also surprised to hear that i will be accepting not only her but her two kids as well.

she asked me whether i took them as a whole.
i replied affirmative.

i intended to ived with her and her two kids as well.
i have bought a flat.
but she has rejected me 3 weeks ago.

she has in fact perferred her indian muslim.

it was difficult to be in the middle of her two best friends, and i have forced her to make a decisive decision.
i did not like things hanging in the air.

i myself also made a huge bet as well and lost heavily.

i have accepted her decision and glad that it was all over for us.
however,i was still much in love with her.

it will stayed on for a long while.

the first meeting

after 18 long days, i have finally met her.
yes, after 18 long, long days like eternity.

it is good.
yes, it is good.

finally, after this first meeting, we can really placed the things done and get going.
i am at rest that she is really getting well.
i stop worrying about her.

she recovered much faster than i have assumed.
as usual, when she spoke, she lowered her head and asked me, "how are you? how are you?"
i stood in front of her, smiling and did not know how to answer her, but found my voice and said," i'm fine, thank you."

it is good to see her face to face.
she was beautiful as ever, in my eyes. she is still the one who rejected me,and now speaking to me.

ah. i missed her of my very first thought.
how i wished to be with her again.

my love still with her, and i still loved her as ever.

later, when i has completed my work, and able to talk to her and even joked with her too.
she also has put on 1kg from 41 kg to 42 kg.

it is good.


the good old times.

but i knew it is a goodbye, and i gave her my carved comb of mine to her, asking her to pass to her son.
i really liked to kiss her and hug her, but could not do that.

she accepted it and told me she did not know whether her son would like it or not.

alas.

i do miss her.
i do miss her much.

met her again the next morning after my off day and she was smiling at me when we wished her good morning.

it is good.

Part II

i have asked my good friend about her.

she noticed that she has became even skinny after the breakup.

she had made the decision that it was a "no"for us and she chose over her 3-years indian Muslim friend.

i knew that we have both suffered.

i myself lost 2 kg too.

my friend also noticed that she has been thinking too much lately on her last night and was not her usual self.

i was surprised to hear this and now that we have part, i could not say too much.

my friend also surprised to hear that i will be accepting not only her but her two kids as well.

she asked me whether i took thme as a whole.
i replied affirmative.

i intended to let her lived with me and her two kids as well.
but she has rejected me 3 weeks ago.

she has in fact perferred her indian muslim than me.

i have accepted her decision and glad that it was all over for us.
however,i was still much in love with her.

it will stayed on for a long while.

Breaking up

So you and your spouse or ex lover are no longer together.
Are you the type that lingers on licking on old wounds over and over again?
Or are you ready to accept the demise of the relationship and take life by the horns.

If you still are reliving the past then chances are you haven't accepted that your relationship is over and denial has grabbed on to you so hard that your vision has become distorted. It is very difficult and painful when a relationship ends.

Even though a relation may end, it doesn't mean that it is the end of the world or the end of you. But here are some tips for moving on when your relation has turned sour.

*Accept that the relationship is over.

Accepting that the relation has ended is probably the hardest thing to do.
It hurts very much to hear someone tell you they no longer want to be with you.

You can hardly believe what is happening. Denial sets in when you start to believe none of this is really happening. You may cry, scream, and even become angry. These emotions are normal and you need to go through them. But is is very important not to linger in denial, anger, and sadness to long.

A good way to dealing with the stress of breaking up is to talk about it. Talk to one of your close friends or a family member you can trust. But don't overload yourself or you friends with the break up. Overloading your friends with it will make them keep their distance from you. No one wants to hear the same thing over and over again. It also slows down the healing process. The best way to come to terms with something to face it and deal with it head on day by day. Accepting that its over will become easier everyday.

*Take responsibility for your part in the end of the relationship.

It's easy to blame your ex partner for all the things that went wrong in the relationship. But it is never any one person's fault. In order not to repeat the same mistakes , you have to learn what caused the problems in the first place. Ask yourself some very important questions. Is there something that you could of done differently? What would you do differently? Where you paying attention to those warning signs about your partner? Own up to your part in what went wrong in your relationship.It's important to learn from your past experience. It makes you a wiser and maturer person.

*Forgive yourself and your ex partner.

Even if your ex partner was the worse person in the world, you have to forgive him or her. Forgiveness is not for the other person,it's for yourself. Forgiveness helps you to let go of the hurt and anguish that was caused by your partner. It frees you from holding on to things you need to discard. It doesn't make you forget those things that took place, but it does become easier when you release the baggage. We all do things we regret. Even if you did some things in your relation that caused it to fail, you have to forgive yourselves as well. We all make mistakes. We have to accept our mistakes and own up to them before the forgiveness process can even begin. You cannot heal if you continue to beat yourself up over something you cannot change. Learn to be forgive.

*Give yourself time to heal.

There is a saying. Time heals all wounds. But you have to allow it to. Don't make the mistake and jump into an new relationship too soon or spend to much time being angry and depressed over what took place.

Allow yourself time to heal from the break up.

Use your time to reevaluate and nourish your mind, body and spirit. Breaks ups can take a lot on you. Take time out for yourself and get to know who you really are. Once you stop blaming yourself for what happened, you will realize that everything happens for a reason. Time marches on and wounds do heal.

No one said a breaking up was easy or that healing is a fast process. But it will happen if you allow it to. Take one day at a time and you will see a new horizon ahead. If you need to seek professional help, take that step. There nothing wrong with that. You can find support in your friends and family if you need it.

What is important is you get through your ordeal healthy and you've learned something. Moving on will get easier from day to day.

be happy

why sad, be happy!!

the first sms

after my night shift yesterday and supervising the contractor on dismantled the existing old lourver and replaced new ones, i have a thought on her and text message to her to inform her tonight will be her first night shift and asked her to sleep well as it will be busy tonight.

after i have sent her message, i did not expected any return sms. normally she will read it and ignore it.
but at 12.28hrs, she replied to me,"ok po,u too!"

i was dead tired but managed to text her that i was busy on yesterday's night shift and asked her she was fine.

she replied at 15.35hrs that,

"u rest, m vry good, evrything doing well on my part."

i missed her so at around 1800hrs, after i have read her sms, i text her,"
miss na miss kita,miss na miss kita"

she did not returned my sms.

alas. but it is good that she finally returned my text message.
it has been since 17th February that i have not received any sms from her.
it has been 11 days since.

well, now i could really relax and sit back.

and take a break.



glad that she was doing well on her part.
i may ask her when i meet her on her night shift someday.