Linda, Linda,linda...

Here I am sitting at the library.
Confused, speechless, frustrated, disappointed, sad, blur, irritated, etc, drained of emotions.
I came here to library in the morning as early as 08.10am.

I drove to library feeling sleepy, coz of the timing having to wake up early.
I came to library early to check with OAM if I could switch classes and in the process to find out about the email I received yesterday.

Didn’t feel anything much when I was driving here. I was just thinking I am going to have a sleepy day and probably be missing a few calls and sms.

As I was driving in, it felt different. Going to library and yet not seeing Linda was certainly something that hit me as I was driving in. It had never happened b4. Not seeing her when I am in school was something that never happened b4 from exam time. Never. Not a single day.

This is the first time.

The effects of it hard hit me. But blocked it. Well, I did manage to successfully block it, as I was hungry. I had left my house in a hurry.

So I parked my car and went to canteen to have breakfast and a cup of strong black coffee. The coffee did wake me up. Then I was waiting outside library to use print the notes, just in case I had class today. I printed my session 3 and 4 notes. I was feel very different then itself.

The library was unusually quiet. So many other thoughts crossed my mind. At that point of time my worry was if I could change classes to join Kcool and the gang. I was so desperate to do it.

I just didn’t want to join another class. It sucks to know that our friend is just in another class and yet u can’t join them. And because this module involves a lot of project work, I can’t just sit in for her class and do my project works with my original class. And of course I had myself to blame for this coz it was me who registered wrongly. My body was aching, still is, from the soccer game I played. My hamstring especially.

I soon drove down to SSC and went inside to OAS office.

I had asked the receptionist about the email I received. She went in to check, after taking down my matriculation no. It took a while and I faintly overheard bits of the conversation.

But my mind didn’t accept it.

Subconsciously I tuned out coz I couldn’t hear clearly, but my brain did pick out a few words that I didn’t want to hear, so I consciously also tuned out. Sub-conscious and conscious minds both working hand in hand. Ha-ha.

I hoped for the best outcome. Without me realizing I had started praying.

The receptionist came back.

Well, well well. I am on academic warning. Why? Because my CGAP hadn’t reached 2.0. It was only 1.96. Yes-just 1.96. 0.04 pts short of being promoted. She didn’t do a good job explaining.

My questions were not exactly answered. But my stomach was sick. Butterflies all around it. So many questions encircled my mind. “Am I promoted or not?” that was the main question. alas. That feeling I had then was terrible. I’m not in jc or secondary school.

It’s a university that I am playing with. What was I doing? Disgust. That was the word that kept flashing across my mind. Disgusted with myself. How did I land up in such a position? On top of that, I felt as if I had no one to share how I was feeling with. Linda.

Where are you? The first name that came to my mind was Linda. Why? I am still asking myself. Is it because it was the most recent friendship I had? Why didn’t Belinda’s name strike my mind immediately?

Why? Coz I pushed her out of my mind for 3 months? Why? Y Linda? Was it coz I was in school and the thought of her kept lingering in my mind?

Thinking of the evenings we spent together, hugging each other, smell her freshness unique body odor; felt her fullness of her lips and also her soft, subtle and warm breast. Heaven. It was heaven.

Why is it coz the last time I came to SSC was with her? I also don't know. Was it coz she was the last person I had received some form of attn and care from, in terms of talking about personal stuff? I don't know. Soon after I wished I could talk to Belinda.

She does give me good advices and understands me so well. I know for sure that if she was in my life now, she would make me feel so much better. I am not saying Linda doesn’t. Linda does and even much better too.

But coz I have been with Belinda so long, she knows me better and I know she knows how to deal with me. I wanted to hear from Belinda. But I wanted to be in front of Linda. Why? Why? Then I started thinking. Where are my friends? I had no one to turn to. No one at all. I was left there standing alone. Wondering what to do, feeling stuck up.

Confused, angry, sad, disappointed. I felt like my world was crumbling right b4 my eyes. It’s my education. My mum and my education are my world.

That feeling I had then was what I had never experienced b4. Yet I stood calm enough to know that I shouldn’t call either of them. I stood strong to my decision.

Btw, all this happened when I was walking out from OAS. But of course b4 that I had checked about my switching of classes to formally join Kcool's class.

My tutor didn’t want any non-formal swap. She was insistent on me getting formal approval, the last I spoke to her on Tuesday. When I checked with the receptionist at the counter, that girl told me that they cant do a formal switch coz its too late and that I should try talking to my tutor and explaining my reasons and she can give me the green light to switch.

It’s was 9.20am then. My original class is supposed to start at 9.30am. So I rushed down to my class at N4 SR5. There were so few student in the class. So it was the best time to talk to her.

I asked her if I could switch class and told her that OAS had given her the green light to give me the green light to sit in and do an informal switch. It’s supposed to be between my tutor and me.

But no. Again she was persistent that I had got an formal approval. She said if my reasons are valid and strong, I should write in formally and that permission should be granted coz she has seen that happening b4.

Then I told her ok I will do that with supporting documents and all, but I explained to her my concern was if I should sit in for this class or the class tomorrow (Kcool’s class). She then again said, it’s my choice. If I think I can get permission to do a formal switch of class then I can leave. Whatever it is she asked me to make up my own mind about what I want to do as I am well aware of the whole situation.

I am stopping my typing here for the time being. I am going to walk by Linda’s classroom now. Tut rm 118. I had planned for this earlier.